I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
What a dumb baby whore.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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