she was so not down for the gang bang
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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