i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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