saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Randomize
