I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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