I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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