If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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