dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
