Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize