you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
