I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
