Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
