Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
