i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
