I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
