The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
