haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
