my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So squirting runs in the family.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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