I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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