I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Two words: blizzard sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize