I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
two words: eviction party
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize