I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
