I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
