i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
