I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
