So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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