Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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