now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Houston, we have a blender
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
