you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
