Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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