I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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