Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
