I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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