I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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