i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize