hotel room ftw
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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