I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
