dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am midnight drunk by noon
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
