Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize