CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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