pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
