Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
