My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
