Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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