i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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