Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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