FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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