I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
