Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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