Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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