after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
