Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
