I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
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