I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
