you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
