So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
