when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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