Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
